It's been a while.

I never said I was any good at updating every day. Or month for that matter.

I haven't done anything creative or mentally stimulating, at all! Well, besides bringing my camera out every once and a while. I'm still trying to get my life back in order since I got laid off in December.

Have you ever lost something super close and dear to you that you just can't bear it? A close friend, or that special pair of earrings, things that you always think about and know you can never replace? It just holds a special place in your heart, and you know that no matter what you do you can never forget it. The harder you try to find that special thing and get it back, the more hopeless it becomes.. I feel this way right now, and it's kind of tearing me apart, but I know that I have to move on with my life. I have to stop trying so hard and things will eventually work out over time.

I've been having strange dreams lately. They're really vivid and detailed, but there's always something in the dream that just throws me off. In my latest dream, I find my way to this small villiage where there's some sort of self sacrifice ceremony taking place. People are confessing thet they've wronged themselves or another in some way, and basically line up to kill themselves. The villiagers who are not killing themselves are standing around, just watching. Nobody protests this strange act, and they all act as if it's the most normal thing they have ever seen. I ask somebody in the back of the crowd what is taking place and they explain that their Queen fled centuries ago because of her disgust with people's selfishness and indignant behaviours. They hope that in sacrificing themselves for harming others or their negativity that someday their Queen will return. I can't even believe the ignorance of the villiagers. Instead of making an active change to better themselves, they willingly kill themselves. Without thinking, I push my way through the crowd, and I shout for them to stop their foolish behavior. A man who is basically leading this mass suicide asks me what right I have to be intruding on their traditions as I'm "just an outsider". I start saying something in a foreign language that even I don't understand and everybody becomes silent. The man is shocked and his anger turns to worship. Apparently I had said something that was some proverb or it was fortold by mystics or soemthing that the Queen would recite when she returned. Some bowed to me and some people started crying, then a group of women ushered me to follow them. This group of women led me to this beautiful old mansion and took me to this room overlooking the town and started asking a million questions. All of which I didn't know the answer to, obviously. They dress me in these fancy clothes and take me to the town centre where there is a group of stately looking men. They tell me that they are pleased I have finally returned and and take me to this field where there are hundreds of dead bodies. They tell me they sacrificed themselves for hundreds of years so I would return, and I get really disgusted by this idea and turn away. I tell them that they must not hurt themselves to wait for some old stories to actually come true, that they must be the change they want to see. Then the town basically throws this huge carnival in my honour, and it takes place right near all these dead bodies and they all act as if they're not there. So I get all weirded out, becasue I don't know how I got to this town or who I really am. so I go back to this big mansion and these women are there waiting on me, and I tell them I don't know who I am or what I'm doing there, and I have to tell everybody I'm not their Queen. Some old woman basically says I'm good as dead if I do that, but I go ahead and do it anyways. So I have everyone gather and I tell them that I believe they should be good people and follow their hearts and not judge each other. It's basically this huge encourging monologue that I end up bawling in the middle of and telling them I'm not their Queen, at least, not that I know of. I totally expected to die next, but I guess my speech really got to them, and some people start telling me that only a true leader would say something like that and I'm like the encouraging voice they needed to affirm themselves, and if I wasn't sent to be their Queen, I had earned it or something... and then I woke up.

Weird, hey?

Anyways, that's all I have for now. Here's a quote and a photo I took today.

"In a gentle way you can shake the world." - Mahatma Gandhi